Friday, Feb. 24, 2006 - 10:55 a.m.

It�s now been a month since I had a ciggy. Yay me. But that also means it�s time to start changing the way I�m (ab)using nicotine patches. On Tuesday I forgot to put one on in the morning, then had to drive to Poole for a meeting. Whilst I didn�t feel like smoking per se, it did make me a bit edgy. It�s also incredible how much food one can consume despite driving for seven hours. If I hadn�t been like a horse with an eating disorder all day I may have tried leaping off the patches at that point, but by the time I got home the choice was either empty the fridge via my gut or patch up. Patch won. The eating has only calmed down a bit since.¹

I have been using 24 hour patches. I had descended to being a first thing in the morning smoker, so having a patch on overnight means that craving isn�t there in the morning. This is good. But the side effect is disturbed sleep. Even at my most addicted to ciggies, I never managed to actually smoke in my sleep, so having nicotine coursing my veins during the night means extremely vivid dreams � full colour, full sensory, total recall of every image.²

On Wednesday night I dreamt I removed a rusty nail from my sternum, which had worked its way out from the inside of my chest, smoked crack (which looked a lot like lurid green play dough and couldn�t really see what all the fuss was about (I�ve just finished A Million Little Pieces so that explains that) and sat for hours in a completely remodelled and creepy version of my favourite restaurant. I�ve had stranger visions in my sleep, but lordy it was all so vivid, so last night I took the patch off before sleep, woke up craving a ciggy or a seven course meal or both. Onward. I put a patch on and had two cups of coffee and the need to eat all the food in the house is starting to abate. If I remember rightly it�ll take a few days to settle down.³ Next step is to move onto a lower dose patch and go through this whole cycle again.

¹I know, intellectually, that not smoking is far, far better than being a few pounds heavier, I know intellectually that I could carry a few more pounds without being anywhere near sturdy, but, shamefully, I am 33 and still labouring under all the teenage ideas of what I should weigh. I was two and a half stone heavier a few years ago and hated it hated it hated it (a weight gain glitch that lasted two years when I first moved to the UK), but maintaining this weight without ciggies means a small bowl of cereal, a sandwich, fruit and a half-portion evening meal and really do I want to be that regimental?. Boring. Ugh.
²Too old / too cautious for Class A drugs these days? May I recommend a low dose nic patch worn overnight for a cheap and harmless trip.
³Yes, yes, I�ve quit smoking several times in the last five years. One of these days it�ll stick.

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