Monday, Aug. 07, 2006 - 9:07 p.m.

My twin brother emailed today, after maintaining radio silence for about six weeks. His girlfriend is ending their cohabiting arrangement after some five years, and after eight years of being together. But, they are �not breaking up�. I give it three months.

I cried most of the way home in the car. I know I like a bit of 90mph + tears, but really, where does all this empathy come from? It seems a bit unlike me.

I have managed to keep my worry about him under control because of his girlfriend � I guess I effectively abdicate my worry to her, and also my responsibility. In my own special PTSD way, it�s him that I think of and panic about when the phone rings too late at night or when he doesn�t contact me for a while. In the months before our older brother died I had a recurring dream about being at a funeral and giving a eulogy about my twin. My grief counsellor way back then said it was most likely my worry about my older brother�s lifestyle surfacing in my dreams, but displacing onto the brother that was less likely to fuck up so spectacularly.

I worry that the twin will wander out of a pub pissed one night and get hit by a car, or beaten up fatally by the kind of yobs that frequent his part of town cruising for a fight. I worry that he will choke on his own vomit in his sleep. I worry that he�ll have a hangover of epic proportions and stumble down the long escalator at his local train station. I worry that sometime he just won�t wake up. I worry that he will continue the rest of his days in this simulacrum of life.

Time to stop worrying and start intervening I think. I don�t think I could survive losing him too.

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