Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 - 1:07 a.m.

In review.


Thank fuck that�s over. It�s been a bit like watching a car crash this year, ain�t it?

I�ve parked the car on the hard shoulder now and decided to walk the rest of the way, that way maybe I�ll see the obstacles before I smash into them.

To paraphrase The Shins (who were, no doubt, paraphrasing someone else) the year has been short, but some of the days were so very long.

If it wasn�t the year I lost my Dad I�d wrap the whole twelve months up and forget it ever happened. But 2005 will become like 1996 and 2000, years where I look back and find it hard to fathom how I kept putting one foot in front of the other. For now it�s still one very small step at a time, but that�s as it should be.

For everything else this year, I�ve learned my lessons, albeit the hard way, but I choose to forget the details. This is what I know:
- I have no business being in a relationship for a long while yet (if only my rather talkative inner pessimist would quit saying well, that side of my life is over now).
- I need to get my head back into my job before I move on, I always do this give up on a job for a long time thing then bail.
- I don�t really know myself at all, time to change that.
- I don�t know what I want to be when I grow up, so A. Grow up, B. See where that leads.
- I need to be seen and heard, and I know I have that to offer other people. I won�t settle for less again.
- I will eventually come out the other side of this bleakness, I am getting extra help, but if I need prescriptive help to do it, then so be it.
- Too many days it hurt just to keep breathing in and out, but I did keep breathing so I guess there is somewhere to start.


Maybe I don�t cope as well as other people might under the same circumstances, good luck to you if you don�t get knocked for six by Life from time to time, but spare me the Snap-out-of-its, all that does is tell me I�m not making the grade. I�m already more aware of that than you could know.

Indeed I�ve made some stupid choices this year that have done me more harm than good. I'm ashamed of the way I've treated other people whilst I didn't know what was going on for me. I choose to learn.

I know that where I find myself right now is the right place to be, the people that have stuck by me are enough to get me through this last leg. I need sort myself out so that I can be a better friend to them.

So, this time next year, we�ll be back to the insightful lists of slebs that missed the opportunity to have a wild fling with me Year In Review.


I stopped drinking in July. Not cut down, not every now and then, but over and out. If nothing else this year, I�m quietly proud of that.


New Year's Resolution: Do everything differently.

back - fore


Stuff what is good and makes me happy: - Saturday, Dec. 20, 2008
Not really an update. - Monday, Jan. 22, 2007
Don't know when I'll be back again. - Sunday, Dec. 10, 2006
- - Tuesday, Nov. 21, 2006
The drugs don't work. - Monday, Oct. 23, 2006


details
voyeurism
self-indulgence for all





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