Thursday, Jun. 22, 2006 - 5:51 p.m.

I�ve been having counselling since last November when accumulated grief got the better of me. As it turned out, the grief that was really tearing me up was not the recent loss of my Dad, nor that of my Mum five years before that, but of my big brother, now only weeks away from having been ten years ago. I don�t think that�s ever going to be completely resolved in my heart.

Storms pass, and I have a fair idea what I need to do to keep him in my thoughts without punishing myself too much. And counselling wanders into other territories. Now I�m finding it incredibly painful, so much so that I�m completely shutdown by the end of the session � I can barely remember what we discuss. And I don�t think we discuss anything too deep, but this pain is palpable. But I don�t think the whole counselling gig is doing much for me. The stuff I want to change � work, getting on with stuff, knowing what I want to be when I grow up, being normal � isn�t changing. So this week I said I wanted to leave cos surely I could go spend �200 a month on career counselling or a night class or something to just get a forward process in place.

Counsellor guy reckons that the fact that I�m finding the process unbearable for no apparent reason is why I should continue, because that�s significant and that is what I need to break through and see what�s under / over / beyond that unanchored hurt.

I don�t know, I don�t know.

I wonder why some of us need to learn how to recognise / how to be happy.

Most of the time at the moment I am reasonably happy, just not for 50 minutes every Wednesday.

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