Tuesday, May. 30, 2006 - 12:24 a.m.

Happy Birthday, Roldie.

The big Four-Oh.

I realise now that for this last ten years I have held on tightly to that night, to touching your face when the cops finally let us into your room. I have held on to walking the cold city streets in silence with B and M, in those hours before dawn, waiting for Mum and Dad to get here so that we could take them to see you. I have held on to how it felt to wake up and remember, wake up and remember again and again. I have held on to every train ride I took in those months that followed when I cried without sound. These memories cause me to feel, cause me to cry.

I realise now that has been my punishment for not seeing how much pain you were in, how sad you were. For not having been there for you. So if I say I feel guilt and that I�m sorry can that ever be enough?

I wonder how many memories of you I have lost because I held on too tight to the hurt.

It�s taken ten years, but now I can see you rubbing your eyes at breakfast with that weird arm over head move you used, I can see you explaining the word juxtaposition to me using bangers and mash as your example, I can see you wearing that Led Zep t-shirt and I can see you concentrating behind the wheel of the kombi as you had your first driving lesson in that field up on the north coast when we were on holiday.

Now I can close my eyes and see you laughing.

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