Friday, Dec. 16, 2005 - 12:05 a.m.

Every now and then I have these mini-revelations, almost an objective view of things. I realised this week that I�m not loved at the moment because I�m unlovable, plain and simple, no violins playing. When I feel like I have for most of this year, and then add the other stuff that�s happened, I turn in on myself and get very prickly on the outside or I'm barely present at all, even when I'm sitting right there; so you�d never imagine what�s under all the arrogance and bitching. It takes me a while to get under it too. This loneliness of my own making is wearing.

I feel like a ball of string the cat has played with � it�s going to take some unwinding and cutting-out of knots to make me useful again.

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