Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2006 - 11:11 a.m.

Probably best to just close the window now.

At the same time that I wish I was a bit tougher, I also wish I was a bit softer. This morning it occurred to me that what I really want is to be free of cynicism, but not too hopeful either. Is there a space where I can expect neither good nor bad, and just take it as it comes?

I bought a little digital camera over the weekend. Now I�m wracked by guilt. My Dad gave me his camera the last time I saw him, when he was giving the kids the last of his meagre possessions. What is that like, the knowing that you will never take a photo again, not need to know the time again, not need to listen to music again? Maybe the guilt is for not having talked to him about that then. I feel like a traitor.

I did use the camera a bit. But all of the film is still sitting in my room undeveloped. Documents of a few months of which I don�t really want to see the evidence. Now the camera is on the shelf of odd sentimental things. Mum�s favourite book. Last Christmas card from Mum. Last birthday card from H. The little makeup compact my grandfather gave to my Mum when she was sixteen. My Dad's fountain pen, inscribed with the initials we share. Photographs. Small pretty containers of Mum�s and H�s ashes. But, yanno, all discrete like.

I had promised no more morbid posts, hadn�t I?

Oh well.

This is how it is. I need to have a little cry I think. Tears are like laughter, you just need to do that from time to time. Hopefully more of the laughter though. Right now it�s just sitting there, tightening my chest but not moving. So later I�ll go for a drive, and have a bit of a weep along a motorway going nowhere.

Though what I really need is a little alarm that goes off when I stray over 110mph. I shock myself when I glance down at the speedometer all too often sometimes.

*Regina Spektor

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